A Year Of Mourning

365 days without your hand in mine. 365 days without a kiss from your lips, without an "I love you, mommy." 365 days without the joy of you in my life. 365 days ago you were lifted from my arms into the arms of the Christ; from earthly happiness to eternal joy. 365 days ago I felt the immense loss of you next to me; from earthly worry and fear at the thought of losing you, to deep depression, then anger and today, conviction and strength that even though you are gone, you have more happiness and peace then I could ever bring into your life here on Earth. I love you enough to let you go and to make the best of my life here, until we meet again. My life is not the same without you, I will never be the same without you. I am still trying to find my new life, a new kind of normal after having loved and lost. Most days I get up and get moving because I know that's what you would want, and some days, when I can, I just sit home and cry. The ocean of tears seems to help my heart heal somehow. I have shed so many heartfelt tears for you; tears on my pillow, tears on your pictures, tears on your blankets, your stuffed animals, your jammies, even stray socks that I find in the laundry. I miss the smell of you, your laughter, your bossiness, your jokes. I miss all manner of things about you; how you liked to use big words such as "definitely" and "actually", how you once asked me if I was leaving the house wearing a certain pair of shoes. I said yes and you said, with your arms folded and stance firm, "then I'm not going with you!" You hated those shoes. :) I haven't worn them since but I still have them because they remind me of you. I miss that you would tell me jokes every night before bed. I miss our "5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" and all 5 times you were the monkey who would fall down and then get back up and do it again. I miss you singing, all the time you were singing. Your aunt and I like to talk about you in heaven and how you're probably keeping everyone in stitches with your jokes and spreading sunshine all over the place with your beautiful voice, singing with all the emotion in your heart.

I went to visit you twice today, once by myself (with your aunt) and once with your sisters. Each time we placed flowers on your grave. I haven't been up to visit much this past year. Each time I go, I come home feeling as if I've died and sank to the bottom of the fish bowl. I just want to lie there and never get up. Most days I have to just move through the day without much reflection, or life gets too depressing. I always have you on my heart and in my mind and sometimes I can feel your presence. It warms me, usually around my ankles I get a sensation that something is sitting on me and sometimes I feel it at night too. I feel a peacefulness about you. This has helped me to heal. I don't know if I'm going crazy or if it's real but it's help me get through life. There are nights where I've had dreams about you and I wake up not knowing if you visited me or if it's just in my head, but always the dreams are peaceful and you are happy. Maryn, I miss you more than words can say. You are not just on my heart, not just in my heart, but you are my heart; somehow you live in me and it brings me peace.